i use twitter
facebook
i post pictures online

i make decisions
without long term plans
i pretend

i drink milk and water
cereal
i eat meat

i cry and laugh
i do stupid shit
sometimes i quit

i feel ashamed
guilt is something i'm used to
yet i cling to no regrets
or maybe just a few

i love this medium
i wish you were here
and more and more i don't know who you are

i can't predict
won't pretend
i try to be honest

mostly i am the person
you know
without the gaps this blog presents

perhaps this is the most
honest
i can be.

get over 

passed myself

meaning what exactly in this time

in worlds gone by

i've looked back

seen favorable treatments disregarded

pretense fades

pull back the veil to find this is reality

when you have nothing to share you share nothing

there is nothing at the bottom of my well

so to leave you with a meaningful confession

would be cruel and unusual

better to think there's something behind these words

if that makes sense.

i wonder
what depths others cling too
suffering searches
sandy tides wash each day away
i remember another time
when lost remained so
to be found again

this won't bar me from my own fate
the effort made in vain
it won't just happen for you or me or those between
trusting faith is not enough anymore

better days ahead are made
from beginning to end
inside

i raised
i leave words by the way
hell is heaven for those of us like
pretend to understand at least
give me some meters
if another sad day drove me to this

i wonder what i should tell my friends and neighbors
i went back today
kept a sidelong glance from revealing
the worst part of me
effortless pretense as societal norms

for reasons i left behind
my advancing age
another daytime effort
time slips past holidays

left for reasons to live
burn off
vocabulary
if my audience understands
i find that hard to believe
i'll leave it here.

i waited to push this out, i wondered more and more about

could not decide, could not find better

you can give me more, i swear it's inside

listen words repeated again is it meaning

full hands flow over water.

if another day passes in this house

my house of other 

i see futures. 

perhaps less can be the same

dread the look and stare

i have avoided eyes of those i love most

forced contact with some i fear and loathe

traded words, not connected

i fear the permanence i've afforded reveals my double standard.

i fear i am not what i declare myself to be

forever linked in minds with the betrayer of self.

as open as i can be still leaves me wanting.

i can't decide
if the visions i see
take in stride
or panic and wonder
concede insanity or just another man
living life by the day
today i met myself i didn't wet myself
even though i laughed uncontrollably i held it in
not like watching hugh grant and jeannie tripplehorn
pretend to dance
i cower and slide to the side
stand in the corner like a slow man
wondering about others who act
while i sit back and watch
i can't decide if i'm OK with that
or if i should take a stand
and realize i am who i am it's not a trick
there's no mystery i wish that were true
another layer would make me happy
wrapped enigmas make good hipster dufuses
i won't let you see that in me
i would rather scream in your face
no soup for you come back in year
i'll serve you then if you ask me nice
roll the dice on a second helping
if it's mayonnaise in the sun it might be bad
hey dad i hope to hear lets go outside from my son
not forced to say or do the things i hope to achieve
just remembered as good and looked up to by my peers
i've made mistakes and i fear it's normal
through the years i've come to learn it's about
the power of your mind don't concern yourself with what others think
but's easy to say harder to play by those rules
so stay in school
think highly of yourself and rise before
they teach you otherwise.

only minutes
a fruitless exercise
decided and banked on
i left another number
i crept in place only to notice
recall solutions in waning moments
another missed
connection only
best numbers left uncalled
i can't credit
perhaps filtering or a better
filtered process
would generate an outcome you could live with
i left my drooped eyes
i didn't wonder aloud
i cried alone another night
a less than accurate confession
pretend my life is none than other
i waited.

prime example
a staple of my diet
steady influx
waves in my vision overlap
hard to comprehend
what's at stake
just a little late
to this party
i managed thus far
using brain and mind
powers that be looked
passed over me for
another deserving candidate
probably
hard to be humble
in a vacuum
without context
we're all the best we can be
until those around
provide background
and the less than soft
truth of the matter
reveals a pecking order
but hey
i traveled far on a long since crested wave
dragging sand through my fingers
passed a few along the way
now i lay just a grasp away
so i think
better to imagine it so
or spending time picturing another abyss
pretend victories.

my mind bends i won't pretend to stay calm in the face of daily crimes against humanity, it's not insanity lazy men in chairs and suits react to problems in streets with jerking knees, not complicated i participated in another group meeting while my heart beats for my wife and kids i wonder why i can't make it better for them make them understand how much love i have, i don't want another day of wants and needs left behind to make way for some other important mother who likes houses with cars and flaunts rings from afar while maids and gardeners keep the order, listen i like my life i love my wife but that doesn't mean i can't imagine or dream with goals in the extreme, i have a lot to over come in my head, i have a lot to say but the means to an end results in flagging lazy rhymes with barely a nod to the times i used to have that made me who i am, necessarily it's another case of barely, tapping keys with dirty nails and exposed toes on the table devolution in certain terms i can't expect a turn of events in my favor and better yet i stop talking about struggles when others see worse with guns on their streets while i think about what to drink if it's milk or diet pepsi with lime i don't see a daily crime in front of my house or at the corner concentrate of bringing happiness and smile to your face if you've come this far your reward is just another day in the life.

obligated
postmortem
listen read more than
pretend this exists
outside circles
i confessed and accepted
another punishment
in prior defense
i claimed to have heard
voices you say
i can't back that up
i wish for more than what i can't have
and from then on
you asked me why i lied
each day builds another
to be torn down
castles out of time
another obligation
you question your answers
harmony among disparate voices
listed and read again
when this voice speaks
it won't come together
it won't end with aplomb
just another set of words
i placed on this page without worry.

read: nonsense
is it not so by naming it so?

cry creative spend the day under
super sensitive
cast a wider net finds under rocks and a spring
hold out your hand for

conspicuous permanent ink
adorns my arms
tells you what you need to know
when this couldn't be more clear
i am who you think i am

moments like this you look to the heavens
isn't another day in the books a win
give yourself a pat on the back

could not stretch another line
in the sand
dusting drapes
not savory i flavor beer cans
with rum in the sun don't cry
spicy rhymes in circles and heroes
among us

flatter yourself
i won't treat you to this
just another fly
fill in the blanks
i'll wonder why.

remember another future promise
of lasting clarity
blissful understanding

pages turned by faded hands
fingers creased and working
never needing to be reminded

i broke another record today
blades of grass blinded
happens to be a sunny day

arbitrary ideas fill minds
can't come out to play
locked and waiting for revelation

remember the last time you
thought this continuation
brought certain closure.

and little by little i pierce the
fragile shields around
my tears come easier each day
remember incredible pains
it does not appear to me this way
hearts among many shared
beats slowly toward conclusion
fading into thumps on the floor
second chances are more common than you think
rated experience
this time around.

get off the bus at the next stop.
don't look back.
i won't be there.

blather and repeat keep talking
repent sins of the father
take it on your shoulders for his sake
i hope my son does the same

when bake sales and lemonade stands
represent less crisis
i plan to make long term plans
a decision i take the blame

large piles of filthy thoughts
pushed into slimy trails
create another story for that
pretend anger falls short a long knowing look back

perhaps a better way can be found
another pound for pound
doesn't matter if you're not in the game
i crane my neck in perfect ways

so goodbye fools dawn another
regrettable days spent among more
fungible replaceable i'm less grateful
pretty faces in the crowd i notice less more often sane.

searing classless
i say crazy but don't mean it
i say fools like underachieving
i wont say
less fruitful packs
pretend monsters
for your benefit
attract fear
many moths to many flames
i won't say another word about this
i can't say i don't
remember last time
ended bad months away
worse words
i've cringed many
time pours away
by a steady hand
perception tells me today is longer
today is the longest yet
every moment longer than the last
hesitate to consider
the same word again
line after line
recombinant
sources close to me
tell a different story
i wish i could say the same
i wish i would say more
i wish another day
another time lapse
could i relive
let me down easy.

crisis replies with astounded level eyes
don't take me in
leave me behind
shattered bruised
taken advantage
lessen your motivation
for silly
salvage the situation
with next to
nothing said
turned around
little kisses abound in this place
i rented
scotch in
glass housing projects
forget a faithful sound
i located and found
remember this started
on very shaky
ground plummet
if i can sit another day
i sift through and away
lived another passing
another rising light
shines
in my window claims
i wasn't here for you
i did not
come for you
i left and you know
i was not there
another failed day
crashing down a stair
sitting i wondered why
in cars pink and yellow
probably deserved whatever it was
i can't look out across this room
without seeing you
and a life filled
despite otherwise.

things changed for the better i think. i can't promise any actual result. i can't help but wonder about how self awareness conflicts with the stream.
pretending you can't read this probably helps.

i will empower myself to consider a lack to be the best course. consistent use of the same technique. under hand toss if powers will it so.

forced onto the page, i've said before, often works best when looking for weak material. i conform to my own standard without fail. it's easier that way.

break down each word for full meaning, i was told once to be very clear about what you want to say. i can't help but wonder what entities will find fault with this history. pretend future endeavors depend on an empty search, and keep fingers crossed. i can't help but find conflict between providing and escaping.

what this really all means is more of the same. i can pretend to make amends with myself by providing this to you, while leaving enough blanks to satisfy future curiosity. i can't claim this was ever more than that.

and for some reason i can't seem to recapture what i once thought i had. perhaps the glories of the past are only so through my own time filter.  i hope this finds you well. i hope this find you clear and full. i hope you find this in kind.

seeming innocent depleted
risen and heard
left for dead among the remains
of this day
homage paid or sliding
lept into these arms
said she did yesterday
a memory i can't recall
left for decisions unclear
after so many years
looking back time
slipped away in fear
private practice in
sides evenly sliced
picked apart thinly
veiled rampant remarkable
i left this apartment in a haze
never looked back
in later days i said
remember when you
didn't leave anything in the air
timothy tom tomato paste
what random line
more remains in pictures
watery eyes
if this doesn't hit you
floor me in second gear
needles in my back
seat fleeing rockey hounds
i seem to have forgotten
this many words
fingers spread waiting
a certain nod
cocked head at angles
deeply sorrowful
for your loss
listen i can't replace
i can't walk another day
don't need space
come back to me not in fear
for this embrace.

charaterize splinter
cells
sell bacon eggs
matter smells
resemble death and clear pills
cloudy math exercise
motorize remaining spells
immature
no doubt you wonder
why i try come by and see me fly
titillate concentrate
masturbate in heaven's gate
never left on the page
a certain age i flagellate
consider pain
it don't hurt as dalton speculates
leave this be as time slips away
out and about on mars keeping pace
my letters and words translated
still empty space
i said this was easy to make
i didn't lie i can't bake or take or make hate
i just let it die
on it's own it withers on the vine
as these lines
now don't come stalking or knocking
i won't answer the door i'll just keep blocking
out stances and repeatedly
mentions words i don't know, like manses
where i live it's hard to go outside
in green and gold memories, old and stormy with no pride
i lack in areas
out standing in forested groves
where you married us
i remember fine times and lives and mostly skies
of blue and white and grey
this means i'm out and that's all i have to say.

please read Patton Oswalt's post on facebook...

for context?  probably not, i can’t claim this will make any sense.


redirected emotions
fall short of expectations
empty reasons for left over
watery eyes
cater slumbering
tainted laughter resembles comfortable eyes
wide shut this well runs dry
in every attempt
i lie waiting
for what i can’t describe
don’t shape starry shifted eyes
if ever I thought a word would make
sense it was now
if ever i wished
for safety well being crutches
it is slow
now would be a good time to admit i have nothing
to say otherwise
would consider crime favorable
repent your sins this flurry
i wasted time
recalling skin
meat
what we are in the end
fighting
for more than that defines us
in our skins
we look out and wonder
would i run away
or toward does it matter
the flocks of us bring out the best in us
the rest of us sit in our sins
a favorable ending awaits.

note i can't claim validity or insight, just a raw stream.

power lies with those who embrace it within themselves at the hardest of times.  

count yourself among the good.