_____________________
forced onto the page
like dirty love
a strong hand
guides my pen and does not stop
for men and boys
only for loss of this
empty pages
force ink to flow like
an unstoppable force
powerless.
_____________________
I wandered across the floor
dread on my face
lacking reason for being
reason for laughing
reason for anger
resisting the urge to care
this collection of words betrays my repetitive nature
always looking inward into darkness
pretending
poor me I want someone to think
pathetic
and yet this only works towards that end
more pathetic is knowing, admitting, doing nothing
I find sickness in myself
I am sick of myself
And now I will try something different
something not shared
nothing can stop me now
I argued against myself, lost, won
I step forward each day with vigor
daily life falls around me
stepping through with practiced ease.
Let no man know the depth of my depravity.
_____________________
oh
to be a member of that grand party
an invited guest at the least
how I would beam in splendor
to be carried about on the shoulders of the wicked and the cursed
bathed in the shining light of the true God
where none other than the almighty himself would presume to pass judgment
the freedom that such a status would allow
the heights of depravity that could go unpunished in the mortal world seem unattainable
I can only dream
I can act towards acceptance
I can show myself worthy
I can let no person stand in my way
only my own worries sully my supplication,
my own trepidations keep my mind clouded
I cannot judge myself
I can only know my actions pure
my thoughts focused
my heart filled with righteous energy
I must not impose morals
ethics
beliefs
laws to the outcome
I must rid myself of such fetters
I must remove the remaining barriers to clear thought
I must not stop until all of you are dead
do not think I only rant and rave
know I am honest and capable
make not the mistake of believing you can turn me
find the good in me
for I am the essence of good
I am pure beyond measure
I am the hand of God
I will not be judged by the masses
the mortals
the sheep who impose their doctrine in the name of our father
if I must purge this realm of such men to prove my worth
I will do so with fervor
if I act purely
I will gain acceptance
I will sup with the Master of Time
the Father of all Worlds
the King of all Living and Dead
the Emperor of Being
Conqueror of the Abyss
I will stand before him
face his judgment
be taken into him
oh
the very thought makes my body numb
my mind dance
my heart bloody
It must start now
it must begin now
I must purge my mind of that which anchors it to the perversity of law and order
prepare yourselves for death
I shall not tarry
_____________________
how can
one so powerful
appear weak
possessed by
inner workings
images looked for about
facing down
lines trodden
crash upon this shrunken
soul damaged by his own hand
movement
from hidden places brings
happiness in the face of ages
seen by so many as
strong solid
earthen men
describes nothing in his mind
his order of fallen dreams
even rock crumbles with
time on it’s side
eroded buildings fall
men disappoint
all
with broken hearts.
__________________
the feel of earth between my fingers,
the wholeness of being that comes
I can’t imagine something different
something unclean as earth is
sweat grime semen blood become one
is there not something in this
can you not imagine that clenched fist
proclaiming love
what if this is all there is
what if this is all there is
what if this is all there is
look across this bloody sky
take it
make it yours
proclaim this soil mine
not for some utopian ideal
greed comes from sight
from what’s in front of us
it comes when we have nothing else
when all we see consumes us
pretend what you feel means something
look to your blood
clench your fist high
feel the flow and flutter of muscle beneath your flesh
rippling beneath your skin
imagine you think I had no idea what I was talking about
consider that I suppose
what we need is in front of us
what we need is there for taking
for controlling
what we need is to take control of what’s in front of us
rein it in
bring it into our being
a shallow man
grasping for some semblance of control
a shallow water running
slipping away
please come save me from this
look at this and tell me I need saving
whatever you do
do not come
do not read this with intention
with thought
with planning
with the idea this means something
read this as a man feels
as a man feeling
plunging his heart into another
pounding through
look at this skepticism
look at this is all I ask
look at this and take nothing
take nothing to your next day
take nothing to your next day
slippery feelings fall away.
_____________________
restless bedlam
proceeds upon
a path laid by centuries
dispassionate youths
center thoughts
movements cease
among the best
intentions thought
left for consequence
best wondered among
ruins of revolution
countered by no one
powerful meandering
rolling picking
considered best left
behind some
thought about place
planning a course
never taken
planned action
never realized
rutted life and
lives beyond
shaking from vectors
comfortable years
askew mentions
repressed
let one come to fore
erect a banner for lost minds
among crowds
throngs of sheep
turned deadly.
________________
lay claim to this
take it for your own
the same letter jumps out
looking down
considering such pleasant thoughts
some such plaguing haunts
stretch
reach
internalize external
embrace the new
stop making statements
felt shards
I felt shards of shall we say
sorrow
morosity
laid at her feet
I danced that night
under a smoky dark sky
on tilted floor
place this
erase this from memory
for only good.
_____________________
contrary to his opinionated self-serving
expectation of doubt
confidence sprouts anew
from a place until now unknown
unexplored by mindful wanderings in black of night
to speak what
to his own mind
remained only thoughts
to trust a soul unburdened by
anything left unsaid
absolute acceptance of this
his unregulated ramblings.
_____________________
look out on this pathway trodden
I’ve passed this way countless time before
I consider myself
not well traveled
I consider myself
arrange yourself in a certain way
arms over head
reach for this I hold for you
create emotions
searching for you
I looked out
this path I’ve traveled
I’ve placed my foot so often here
gather my friends
not too near
bless this piece
this land
dear
lover finds you
I can’t imagine a place I won’t find you
I can’t imagine a place
do not try
take this worried sullen face
keep it close
don’t live in fear
look out on this pathway trodden
so many times before
consider yourself
well traveled
steps remembered well
I can’t imagine this place without you
my curse forgets you
my curse forgets truth
this frequented valley of laughter clear
I wish this end for me
I place my own
figured factors unravel
I can’t arrange this perfectly
bless this
find you.
____________________
failing to
express
clouds his life
struggle to know
people in his life
the ones
most respected
become neglected
emotionally
affected by a lack of
something definable
if dwelled upon fear drives
him to not tell
inclined to suffer
the whims of his
self defeating aims
something stops
his hand at the most
inopportune time
not like
that which says unto a man
love honor respect
those who mean something
despite his inabilities
his desire is not weak
someday
he says
all will know
remember when the most life
is present
vulnerability
embrace your beating heart
let it not mar
the beauty of life.
_____________________
waves beach thoughts
on higher and higher ground
movement towards understanding
tides tell a tale
comprehension comes with time
sailing on what thought
to be solid ground
not too long
found out
crazy inconclusive inches away
from falling down he says
cleansing of a mental palate
desired beyond what expectations
rise with watery thoughts
wash away lingering moments
as if
possible understanding
hoping for a reprimand
searching for some signal
beyond respected arrangements
agreed upon standards
behavior
an underlying set
retards further movement
along any path
bridges would have to be burned
as agreed upon
some stunning line of thought in these last lines
holding on long enough
to not know as
waves roll up a sandy mind.
_____________________
perhaps
he considers depth of reason
inescapable treason
to those in need
transpired fixed
rewind
unoccupied shell wanders
staring at what firings
images encapsulated among strong feelings
of doubt
belonging to
something held onto
people humanity
look for a decision
made not thought about
ring true beyond reason
to embrace or
not let near perfect symbols of imperfection
inarticulate ink
hasn't lived up to
motivated desire
passion presently absent
a long nights foray
brings an end
considering all that has happened
as time comes later and later
until disrupted
disjunction among synapses
reading friends poetry.
_____________________
feelings once thought
strong about
thought tough
thought forever
faded away in relative instants
obsession possession
hatred love
comes full circle
thinking about her most of all
crammed into a
shallow mind
pouring out what was left behind
seemingly faced
some decision
self imposed crossroads made less than believable
what a difference time makes
now everyday turns
to abstraction
the slow march
turns forgotten
face better left
past memory of you
flashes in foreground as you pass away
while we talk
uncomfortable words
forced into
what is so sadly gone.
_____________________
what prompts
use lines
scratches made in some way
validated by being
laid down from inside this man like
structure
anatomically correctable
form
looking for
absolution
as if that meaning is known
or embraced
better yet understood
beyond these words on this page
left to rot
acid free
not forever
shooting about as
opened or closed
beam this
out to return
a big bang
from now
until is found
a way to understand.
___________________
wondered on comedy
plurality
incomprehension
duplicity
an average man
such an admission
a man
understanding hits hard
being something beyond
self
creating something for a community
even this qualifies
as a man I take this
leave it
hope it sees some light of day
never again
I will always wail
thoughts of structure bring me down
I long for more than mysterious
known
laid out
content in this
I strive to be.
____________________
some concern
some unknown
worry about less
than worried about
chasm of space
multiplies falling towards
nothing
imagine the discovery
of nothing
the confirmation
of nothing
the abyss does not stare back
focus on something far away
focus on me
remember me
look to me
ask me
wonder about me
realize
nothing
the mystery we so desire
empty
without meaning
try to bare your soul
it's right here
there's nothing more
don't be afraid to smile
laugh
screw them
leave nothing.
___________________
a surge of passion
I suppose
happens so infrequently it’s passed
off he shrugs and continues
his daily life
away from an existence
troubled by extremes
of feeling
a shadow of what could be
by normal standards
he works sleeps conforms yearns
for that moment of
prolonged ecstasy
unable to motivate
a concerted effort
he continues his existence
one day to
week
month
years go by
like passing cars
he remembers
something learned long ago
passion
control
respect
“fear is the mind killer”
he repeats
as he strives to do good
as his father
inevitably
he cannot
and continues his waking death
as he sleepwalks
through a not quite life until
he lays himself to rest.
_____________________
I have moved on
better things
crisis of stasis
let this recorded matter
be one better
one line matters more
belated attempts sit behind me
zeal is less than
unknown
such difficulty once heralded
welcomed
embraced
now banished
these strikes against me summon fearless anger
go out and do
forget what ails
strike faster
with intense fury
manifest emotion
in this way
bleed off
let no person avail you.
_____________________
self centered frames
mind controlled by individual
warp the world around function
to form happiness
comes from within
a mind operated by clear
desires to achieve
goals set forth
by demigods and
planar beings (kings)
resurrected from within
a mind not controlled
becomes unrealistically linked
to chaos
function as an individual for
maximum satisfaction.
clearly the words upon this page
reflect on all
spatters of blood
flood
blind conception of reality
red as raining fountains forth
can one find within a strength
a weakness
to perpetrate acts
seen by most
evil
impending incarceration holds
my hand
possible end to pumping blood
ceases to provide justification.
