phantoms in the camera waiting pools with socks and shoes over my sanity drowns out riding in circles of green again for love or blues we can't understand white pale frames under bridges of plenty and cast ourselves hoping for range in quiet spools passed help on twenty floors.

 in my mid 40's, in what seems like a very short time, I've become:

-a hat guy

-chips & salsa guy

-hot sauce/Sriracha guy

-loofa guy

-black jeans guy

-hair product guy

-eggs over easy/medium guy

-zip up hoody guy (vs pullover)

-therapy guy

Early twenties Rob don't recognize me...

listen in tens of a thousand miles before I fry internal joined by smiles for christ enjoyed that stretch mind in hands full with no escape clawed to the bottom in ideation it's one day in a life turned inside frown appears formal.

houred or honored

in time flying bound

by graceless minds

found my like

tried cascades in

fractured lines

vision less obscured

than hand in time

broken forward

staggered step

surround and bound

you are not

in debt by consuming

lettered and fixed

in digital spaces

quick

manifest dreams

thought processes

output desired create

mandate emotional

repeat speeding

in mad rational states.

sad emotional

average devotional

admission of guilt with no capitals 

required reading where

minds come to

dive into muddy waters

concerns in circles without diameters

listen 

i know this wasn't what you expected

i don't have skills 

or pay bills 

i've been rejected

create a space

crashed in place without leaving the couch

in smaller times i washed my hands

of this tightening 

bands of mothers in celebration

i watch the flock and wonder 

why incarceration comes with food and reading

retirement plans in white collar crimes

no bleeding

or basement rooms with doctors or stars in films

i don't need much

a mattress and lunch and dragons

in dungeons with crazy mages

i've gone on enough 

this time

perhaps tomorrow won't be so rough.

this place holds time
even for me
the ambiguity makes understanding elusive
another 12 years
of meaningless words
where will that take us?
little confessional, yet repeated year to year
this is not what it was meant to be
or this is exactly what it needed
i consider myself the benchmark for mediocrity.

hand me down
released and found
another scattered day
around
less talked about
calling on depths
foregrounded keys
thought more of
replied
when do I
ten years
along this road
one day
at the end
i'll still be retreading
retyping
reading back among
more forgotten now
than ever before
another slip
i've ridden and
admitted and confessed
i say
bored scared unsure
this is what i will be
another day in years.

slipping time, or, yet another
update mass
incarceration trapped
limited
paid in dues
cracked folded
pretended time
when in darkness faced reality
turned fled obscurity
left this line in place
of quality
through doors
i've had these
read in soft hands
given it all with no demands
silent returns
greets my morning
though still the sounds
of my only being
protect this from the gazing abyss.

i laughed out loud, could not decide
i smirked in silence
i knelt before myself, could not remember

i, you, we, need help
be there

why do i consider?
use that word in particular.
from ashes, dust, fibers, to the less than solid
streaming
well i can say this my friend
not one of us has
hasn't had or will have
a second rate

or if you wish it another way
you are you and as such can't escape

pretend for a moment
it meant something
i could move you
we moved each other
or why else

erase wish withheld
in past times


............................

i know my shortcomings
sadness does not lie in ignorance or tragedy
but in the inability to affect change
despite such knowledge
we walk this path willingly by default
and when one of us alters, we fall upon them
turn against, as clearly we only wish we could alter as well

by admission we are complicit
confession allows comfort from sin
and as such should be stopped
we should not confess or admit, instead
you must change.

Sad from afar this
That and the other
Sirens time direct
Spent in line
I can't define a blank space
In other time

bright light air ways
damaged among patriotic
souls among the favored
class roles
after faith
empty shells to
be filled remembered
or steeled
hardened
to the bottom

is there always another gutter
a basement below
depravity and sickness
can always outdo themselves

clammy hands submitted
lack of reply
tempted
what fate stores
find another battered shore
to call home


i don't like the "i don't like it when people do stuff" attitude that seems prevalent.
celebrate people embracing things that make them happy or further their ends.
push people up.

i rallied against this.  i kept changing minds.  i laughed in the face.  i cried out for more, while cringing in the corner, in my mind's eye, it said, keep the lines blurred.  i used consistency as my tool, to waste time.  i favored the sucking soul.

in time the circle will be complete, a new seed.  i shall pass down to the world the best i can give it.  i will mold my gifts in my image and know they will do better, make me proud.  the world will cower and bow before their calamity, calamity of new power, new love, new knowledge to change and crumble the now.

and for once i go to bed with calm vigor.  perhaps a new day will reveal a new way, a direct path to this state.  i shall not yearn, shall not covet, shall not stretch thin.  see another crossing guard, another simple task, yellow fog building.  i cracked this egg, this mess.  i did not.  i considered.

i left for another journey, space, time, sending clear.  i arrived, i returned.

i've presented favors
asked questions
of little known neighbors
i went ahead
back for more
i tripped on lines
left crying before
i crossed signals
broke promises
remembered better days
i soiled my pants
for fear and lacking
i made a mistake
when asked directly
i would not take
look here from quiet
cries out
i've erased memories
shed tears
for forced calamities
i don't take
a step from the abyss
a shake of the head
we're all hairs from darkness
right
and mystery abounds
when forced upon the page
my light shines through
and while the abyss calls
i can only pretend
for we all have
that which keeps us.

ran circles
corrected lines
astray
betrayed my other side
neglected painful memories
surfaced
accounted for and left to die
faded away
i hate to say i wanted more
precious little things
secrets confessed and kept
traded
another frozen day
created
ashes and faults
simmering
under skin as tight
i frighten away
some i pray a nonexistence
who am i to say
explain constructed systems
in place to sooth imagined ills
this went another way
if forgotten lines
corrected it's fine
i won't cry or wonder
what might be
a thousand futures
at my feet behind
in some other place
and if i said
i meant more
pretend
doors are open
make no mistake
i won't repeat
left blank
protecting innocents
better lines
corrected rhymes i left
and wondered why.

critical thinking skills
not required
sense assault
editorial
hanging fruit
games
splitting sides
required reading
how does one go about
repeating
and does this
admission
render previous
thoughts
wavering
stylistically speaking
pretend
anxious
days away
can you handle
walking over mattresses
rolling cans
pulled back
confines
revelations
a word not said
public intoxication
left me here.

i’m rested assured

pretended

believed in nothing

consider my heart arrested

split lines and hairs

another fine factory farmed

emotional response from

fields

i slept in today

i can’t remember what this is for

something left unsaid

and another

wait for me

is not there

with eyes closed

from the pits of some dark abyss

i share the rest of me.

i make complicated
breathing and alive
tight and dense in the chest
awkward moments
best left
go behind and cover
steps brushed over traces left

i pretended and hoped while fearing and leering
monitor paces and pales legs
dropped faces

memory drifts a hazy place
here i stand
creating in words what i chased
another day of aches
a smiling face.

i wrote a different map
killed stars from
a far off place
line breaks in places left space
pretend functions aren't places or holders for long faces

create words on a page
in front of one another
public squares
feel free to act on words
level with me

i hate the thought i left
missing i bet off bothering
me and i and the rest of you
wondering should we
take a step

represent the full price
i left nothing back
pretend our words
gave you hope but
decided the layered cake

never mind the empty gaps
you're never to young to grasp
present a full thought not quite
left in a changing room
story of a doomed life.

i use twitter
facebook
i post pictures online

i make decisions
without long term plans
i pretend

i drink milk and water
cereal
i eat meat

i cry and laugh
i do stupid shit
sometimes i quit

i feel ashamed
guilt is something i'm used to
yet i cling to no regrets
or maybe just a few

i love this medium
i wish you were here
and more and more i don't know who you are

i can't predict
won't pretend
i try to be honest

mostly i am the person
you know
without the gaps this blog presents

perhaps this is the most
honest
i can be.

get over 

passed myself

meaning what exactly in this time

in worlds gone by

i've looked back

seen favorable treatments disregarded

pretense fades

pull back the veil to find this is reality

when you have nothing to share you share nothing

there is nothing at the bottom of my well

so to leave you with a meaningful confession

would be cruel and unusual

better to think there's something behind these words

if that makes sense.

i wonder
what depths others cling too
suffering searches
sandy tides wash each day away
i remember another time
when lost remained so
to be found again

this won't bar me from my own fate
the effort made in vain
it won't just happen for you or me or those between
trusting faith is not enough anymore

better days ahead are made
from beginning to end
inside

i raised
i leave words by the way
hell is heaven for those of us like
pretend to understand at least
give me some meters
if another sad day drove me to this

i wonder what i should tell my friends and neighbors
i went back today
kept a sidelong glance from revealing
the worst part of me
effortless pretense as societal norms

for reasons i left behind
my advancing age
another daytime effort
time slips past holidays

left for reasons to live
burn off
vocabulary
if my audience understands
i find that hard to believe
i'll leave it here.

i waited to push this out, i wondered more and more about

could not decide, could not find better

you can give me more, i swear it's inside

listen words repeated again is it meaning

full hands flow over water.

if another day passes in this house

my house of other 

i see futures. 

perhaps less can be the same

dread the look and stare

i have avoided eyes of those i love most

forced contact with some i fear and loathe

traded words, not connected

i fear the permanence i've afforded reveals my double standard.

i fear i am not what i declare myself to be

forever linked in minds with the betrayer of self.

as open as i can be still leaves me wanting.

i can't decide
if the visions i see
take in stride
or panic and wonder
concede insanity or just another man
living life by the day
today i met myself i didn't wet myself
even though i laughed uncontrollably i held it in
not like watching hugh grant and jeannie tripplehorn
pretend to dance
i cower and slide to the side
stand in the corner like a slow man
wondering about others who act
while i sit back and watch
i can't decide if i'm OK with that
or if i should take a stand
and realize i am who i am it's not a trick
there's no mystery i wish that were true
another layer would make me happy
wrapped enigmas make good hipster dufuses
i won't let you see that in me
i would rather scream in your face
no soup for you come back in year
i'll serve you then if you ask me nice
roll the dice on a second helping
if it's mayonnaise in the sun it might be bad
hey dad i hope to hear lets go outside from my son
not forced to say or do the things i hope to achieve
just remembered as good and looked up to by my peers
i've made mistakes and i fear it's normal
through the years i've come to learn it's about
the power of your mind don't concern yourself with what others think
but's easy to say harder to play by those rules
so stay in school
think highly of yourself and rise before
they teach you otherwise.

only minutes
a fruitless exercise
decided and banked on
i left another number
i crept in place only to notice
recall solutions in waning moments
another missed
connection only
best numbers left uncalled
i can't credit
perhaps filtering or a better
filtered process
would generate an outcome you could live with
i left my drooped eyes
i didn't wonder aloud
i cried alone another night
a less than accurate confession
pretend my life is none than other
i waited.

prime example
a staple of my diet
steady influx
waves in my vision overlap
hard to comprehend
what's at stake
just a little late
to this party
i managed thus far
using brain and mind
powers that be looked
passed over me for
another deserving candidate
probably
hard to be humble
in a vacuum
without context
we're all the best we can be
until those around
provide background
and the less than soft
truth of the matter
reveals a pecking order
but hey
i traveled far on a long since crested wave
dragging sand through my fingers
passed a few along the way
now i lay just a grasp away
so i think
better to imagine it so
or spending time picturing another abyss
pretend victories.

my mind bends i won't pretend to stay calm in the face of daily crimes against humanity, it's not insanity lazy men in chairs and suits react to problems in streets with jerking knees, not complicated i participated in another group meeting while my heart beats for my wife and kids i wonder why i can't make it better for them make them understand how much love i have, i don't want another day of wants and needs left behind to make way for some other important mother who likes houses with cars and flaunts rings from afar while maids and gardeners keep the order, listen i like my life i love my wife but that doesn't mean i can't imagine or dream with goals in the extreme, i have a lot to over come in my head, i have a lot to say but the means to an end results in flagging lazy rhymes with barely a nod to the times i used to have that made me who i am, necessarily it's another case of barely, tapping keys with dirty nails and exposed toes on the table devolution in certain terms i can't expect a turn of events in my favor and better yet i stop talking about struggles when others see worse with guns on their streets while i think about what to drink if it's milk or diet pepsi with lime i don't see a daily crime in front of my house or at the corner concentrate of bringing happiness and smile to your face if you've come this far your reward is just another day in the life.

obligated
postmortem
listen read more than
pretend this exists
outside circles
i confessed and accepted
another punishment
in prior defense
i claimed to have heard
voices you say
i can't back that up
i wish for more than what i can't have
and from then on
you asked me why i lied
each day builds another
to be torn down
castles out of time
another obligation
you question your answers
harmony among disparate voices
listed and read again
when this voice speaks
it won't come together
it won't end with aplomb
just another set of words
i placed on this page without worry.

read: nonsense
is it not so by naming it so?

cry creative spend the day under
super sensitive
cast a wider net finds under rocks and a spring
hold out your hand for

conspicuous permanent ink
adorns my arms
tells you what you need to know
when this couldn't be more clear
i am who you think i am

moments like this you look to the heavens
isn't another day in the books a win
give yourself a pat on the back

could not stretch another line
in the sand
dusting drapes
not savory i flavor beer cans
with rum in the sun don't cry
spicy rhymes in circles and heroes
among us

flatter yourself
i won't treat you to this
just another fly
fill in the blanks
i'll wonder why.

remember another future promise
of lasting clarity
blissful understanding

pages turned by faded hands
fingers creased and working
never needing to be reminded

i broke another record today
blades of grass blinded
happens to be a sunny day

arbitrary ideas fill minds
can't come out to play
locked and waiting for revelation

remember the last time you
thought this continuation
brought certain closure.

and little by little i pierce the
fragile shields around
my tears come easier each day
remember incredible pains
it does not appear to me this way
hearts among many shared
beats slowly toward conclusion
fading into thumps on the floor
second chances are more common than you think
rated experience
this time around.

get off the bus at the next stop.
don't look back.
i won't be there.

blather and repeat keep talking
repent sins of the father
take it on your shoulders for his sake
i hope my son does the same

when bake sales and lemonade stands
represent less crisis
i plan to make long term plans
a decision i take the blame

large piles of filthy thoughts
pushed into slimy trails
create another story for that
pretend anger falls short a long knowing look back

perhaps a better way can be found
another pound for pound
doesn't matter if you're not in the game
i crane my neck in perfect ways

so goodbye fools dawn another
regrettable days spent among more
fungible replaceable i'm less grateful
pretty faces in the crowd i notice less more often sane.