01.10.06

I still really am not sure how to go about this correctly. I don't have a plan...I don't have what you might call... desire... at any real level...

apparently depression runs in the family... first i've heard of it...
apparently i've always been "emotional"...
wonderful...

in a world seemingly dominated by depressed, confused, lackluster, mysterious, wannabe writers... i'm just another brick in the wall...

i suppose at this point i should say i see myself in what i choose to read... that darkness breeds
darkness... or something...

if i change the frame of reference... you see...

choose to live positively... choose to change what you can and accept what you can't...
choose a life lived... with choices... even if they're wrong, the choice was still made, and that in
and of itself is what's important...

so to start over...just fuckin' fire away man... not even thinking about it already produced results...
it's contemplation that really causes problems for me...
plans within plans turns into crap...
rather...
damn... i just lost it... i had it... and i lost it...

well...
there's always next time...

every year festivus comes around, and i really want to make an effort to "connect" with my father, but it seems to elude me every time. i'm not really sure where to start, because although i feel like there's been a disconnect at some point, i don't really know what it involves, or what started it, or how to end it. part of me just thinks talking is the best thing; the every day kind of stuff i'm not very good at with anyone it seems like... a much better listener than a talker... so i've come to think anyway...
i hate to think of myself in the role of estranged son, it seems lame... why so much sameness; it seems the thread of humanity runs throughout... i really have no idea what that means... repitition is great, in music, not so sure about it in writing, but why the hell not?
it seems some thread connects all of us, some shared experience... why else?
i have this tatoo, and i'm embarassed to admit that i'm embarassed to admit to my family what it means, because they'll look at me and say "where the fuck have you been that last 12 years? connect? christ man, you've barely said 5 words to us... we see you all the time, and you don't open your mouth..."
why the struggle to make the most important to us understand just that?...