i waited to push this out, i wondered more and more about

could not decide, could not find better

you can give me more, i swear it's inside

listen words repeated again is it meaning

full hands flow over water.

if another day passes in this house

my house of other 

i see futures. 

perhaps less can be the same

dread the look and stare

i have avoided eyes of those i love most

forced contact with some i fear and loathe

traded words, not connected

i fear the permanence i've afforded reveals my double standard.

i fear i am not what i declare myself to be

forever linked in minds with the betrayer of self.

as open as i can be still leaves me wanting.

i can't decide
if the visions i see
take in stride
or panic and wonder
concede insanity or just another man
living life by the day
today i met myself i didn't wet myself
even though i laughed uncontrollably i held it in
not like watching hugh grant and jeannie tripplehorn
pretend to dance
i cower and slide to the side
stand in the corner like a slow man
wondering about others who act
while i sit back and watch
i can't decide if i'm OK with that
or if i should take a stand
and realize i am who i am it's not a trick
there's no mystery i wish that were true
another layer would make me happy
wrapped enigmas make good hipster dufuses
i won't let you see that in me
i would rather scream in your face
no soup for you come back in year
i'll serve you then if you ask me nice
roll the dice on a second helping
if it's mayonnaise in the sun it might be bad
hey dad i hope to hear lets go outside from my son
not forced to say or do the things i hope to achieve
just remembered as good and looked up to by my peers
i've made mistakes and i fear it's normal
through the years i've come to learn it's about
the power of your mind don't concern yourself with what others think
but's easy to say harder to play by those rules
so stay in school
think highly of yourself and rise before
they teach you otherwise.

only minutes
a fruitless exercise
decided and banked on
i left another number
i crept in place only to notice
recall solutions in waning moments
another missed
connection only
best numbers left uncalled
i can't credit
perhaps filtering or a better
filtered process
would generate an outcome you could live with
i left my drooped eyes
i didn't wonder aloud
i cried alone another night
a less than accurate confession
pretend my life is none than other
i waited.