Attention staff:
Please forward all concerns through the proper channels, ensuring they will never concern me. Active participation in the facilitation of a positive work environment is aggressively discouraged. Notification of management in the case of beleaguerment, depression, fatigue, truancy, improper training, or general malfeasance will be met with disinterest, annoyance, or anger. Please consider only yourself in all actions. Customers are not to be trusted, engaged, notified, alerted, helped, served, or talked to, except in dire circumstances, or under duress. There is to be absolutely no talking, touching, laughing, singing, dancing, horseplay, shenanigans, tomfoolery, bumfuckery, asscrackery, poopshackery, blazing up, throwing back, belching, vomiting, moving, calling, or talking, touching and laughing while at work. Under no circumstances should the management be troubled with any of the following: broken down vehicles, annoyed customers, equipment on the fritz, complaints, bathroom breaks, phone calls, nametags, emergencies, time off requests, boyfriends, girlfriends, pets, families, or anything else.
Thank you for your continued efforts in making this the best workplace it can be.
The management.
